Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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