You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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