im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
