Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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