I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
