I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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