Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
