he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
