I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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