: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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