Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
