Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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