Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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