I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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