My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
