Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
FUCK WHALES
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
