normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
