but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
