I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
