Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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