we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
