I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
