were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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