You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
