I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
