The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
