I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
