Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Come on in and take your pants off
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