you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
