Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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