I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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