Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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