Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
