I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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