Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
