She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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