Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
