Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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