I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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