There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
