if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
