Your face is a jimmy john
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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