Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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