There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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