Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
