apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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