I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
