He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
