i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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