He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
