Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
