The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
