She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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