it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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