i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
